[Movie Review] Die Another Day

I had only watched Die Another Day once before. It was at the theatre and I almost walked out. There was so much positive spin about Halle Berry being a “Bond Girl” that rumors started flying about her character, Jinx getting her own series. What I saw on the screen didn’t warrant that kind of attention.

Halle Berry has some serious shaky acting, almost Denise Richards bad at times, but her character is less than the average at best. Her first scene in the film has a classic “Bond Girl” intro, as 007 eyes her in a bikini through binoculars. It is a tribute to the first, Ursula Andress in Dr. No.

But this is an updated Bond film, so Jinx is more than a girl that he will carry on his arm for the rest of the film. She is a capable NSA assassin who is after the same target as Bond, and for a while it looked like there would be a race between the two to see who got there first. But no. That is what a good movie would do. Die Another Day instead reduces Jinx to someone who becomes trapped after following Bond’s orders and in need of a rescue at the end.

After the public saw the film, and reviews were less than favourable, the talk of a Jinx spin off mysteriously disappeared. Truth is, there was never any serious talk about a Jinx series. It was all part the PR machine, to float the idea out there and get the public’s response.

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Die Another Day opens to Bond in North Korea, where North Koreans are the Nazi’s for the new millennium. A deal involving Blood Diamonds (that the film keeps referring to as “African Conflict Diamonds”) and weapons is going down at the South/North Korean border. The deal is arranged by the son of the North Korea’s leader (No Kim Jong names are used) who gets the weapons out of his country by using hover crafts to float over a mine field. I don’t know why hover crafts are needed. Bond used a helicopter to get the diamonds there.

Bond’s cover is blown after one of the North Koreans checks his flip phone and discovers the man they are dealing with is really an MI6 agent. The shooting begins and Bond kills the son before he is captured.

Bond is held captive and is tortured until he is traded back to the UK for the North Korean terrorist Zao (RickYune) 14 months later. Now, Bond is on mission to find out who “betrayed” him at the border. This is where the movie began to really lose me as I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought the guy with the flip phone just figured out he was a spy.

Anyway, Bond trails Zao who lead him to the eccentric billionaire Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens). While Bond was a POW, Graves rose to power by discovering a vein of diamonds somewhere in the mountains. He funds satellite mirror that can focus the sun’s energy, but his plan is to use it as a magnifying glass to burn us like ants! The US attempt to shoot it down with a missile, but the satellite wipes it out before it can make contact. Why they only tried one missile instead of two simultaneously at different angles is unknown to me.

After that, Madonna shows up and the film turns into a kitchen sink pizza. The chef found a bunch of ingredients he could fit onto the dough but never stopped to think if he should. Bond gets an invisible car, the bad guys move into an ice castle (makes sense when you wish to burn the earth), a terrible N64 looking Bond goes para-surfing off of an ice cliff, there is a sword fight with ladies wearing little clothing, and Miss Moneypenny has an embarrassing VR moment.

At least John Cleese was much better this time around as he was upgraded to “Q” and dropped the bumbling bit.

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Now for the continuing competition with my wife, Sarah to guess how long it would take Bond to first get laid during each of these films. It was her turn to roll the dice and I got lucky! Well, lucky with the dice. For the 2nd time in the competition Sarah rolled *snake eyes*. That is two *ones*. This meant I had to choose if Bond would seal the deal “over” or “under” 11 minutes. With the odds way in my favour I choose over . Brosnan got it done 38 minutes in.

Point goes to the Mars man! Were going into the final rounds with Daniel Craig’s 5 films and me being only 4 behind! This could be close! With one of the films No Time To Die having yet to be released, we might have to go to the unofficial/official release Never Say Never Again for a tie breaker! What will happen? Who knows? Stay tuned! #NotMathematicallyOutYet

Sarah – 10
Mars – 6

There was about 30 or so minutes into this re-watch where I though I might have been overly harsh in the past. But, nah. Even though Brosnan still brought a serviceable performance to the table, the film they put him in is a real stinker.

1.5/5

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Get more Bond in you!

Dr. No
From Russia With Love
Goldfinger

Thunderball
You Only Live Twice
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Diamonds Are Forever
Live and Let Die
The Man With the Golden Gun
The Spy Who Loved Me
Moonraker
For Your Eyes Only
Octopussy
A View To A Kill
The Living Daylights
Licence To Kill
GoldenEye
Tomorrow Never Dies
The World Is Not Enough

Die Another Day
Casino Royale
Quantum of Solace
Skyfall
Spector
Never Say Never Again

20 comments

  1. While I have enjoyed reading this series, I can take James Bond films either way. The other night, I watched the Bond satire film, “Casino Royale,” with David Niven, Peter Sellers, Ursula Andress and Woody Allen. What are your thoughts on that film?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I thought Brosnan was always great. You are right that the movie itself was crap. He could’ve been the best bond ever if it wasn’t for the lousy writing and shite movies. Oh well…Can’t wait for the Craig ones!!!

    Like

  3. I am not recalling anything about this except Halle Berry in that orange bikini. I mean, c’mon. But Madonna? A dude with metal in his face? North Korea? I mean, I know I saw this but I don’t remember any of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know I’ve seen this and I think it might have been the first Brosnan Bond movie I watched… but none of that plot was familiar to me… the two things I remember were Halle Berry and the ice surfing scene (yowzers!).

    Liked by 1 person

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